How do men pee?

How do men pee?

Sorry I had to blog about this because it’s still a puzzle.

During Nyege Nyege we made a bunch of unnecessary pits stops due to the fact that men couldn’t hold their pee.

                      

So the unnecessary stops didn’t favour the opposite sex. Talk about people going back on their equality 2030 SDG manenos.

What made it more Interesting is that the ladies had to make due with the ungodly terrain that were the driver's intentional un-helpfull stops.   

The men looked for roadsides that had no one on the other side. 

This meant they can just yank it out and do what they needed to do… the ladies on the other hand had to you know...

But it’s pretty straight forward that Ladies either stand legs apart or squat… pretty simple math if you ask me…. Either way it’s one or the other.

But the boys has to go ahead and complicate things.

The guys who had their backs turned against the track made me ask questions I can’t ask my kin….some pulled one side of their shorts up and pee came out.

The other one zipped down ( without unbuckling too) and just yanked it out and went about his business.

Another one dropped his pants and had boxers only and the rest was all liquid (from where I was seated.) that could be seen.

Isn’t there a more simple way to pee for guys?

Understanding the science behind such a simple task having super complicated methods of tackling them is still a mystery to me.

But believe it or not when they were done they all did this wiggly move🙀

Am curious.💁💁💁💁💁 

Visa approved? You wish!

Discussions now more than ever is on visa denials. 

As if this is news to anyone. 

It is such a shame that when it finally happens to diplomats and other VVIPs then we need to bring this to the table. But wait, how many people have been denied visas in the past year alone? How many people (in Africa) have tried to attend key Global North discussions on health alone and been denied entrance? And the shocker is how many people have paid for the visa processing fee (upfront like rent) and got the big NO that they paid for?

Well, learn more on my LinkedIn post

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/time-move-africa-discussions-back-lizzie-otaye-smprsk/?trackingId=ryXHCsJ4S0i%2FFsVr4RFjgQ%3D%3D

The g-spot meat that is to die for.

Am one of the gspot- biggest funs.

Have you heard of a gspot that serves everyone? The odour, the size, and the tenderness are out of this world? 

Wait… hold your horses.I know what you think, finally she has come out of the closet… 

Some are thinking… explains why she is without a child and why she is still single. 

So before you crucify me and throw me under the bus or judge me…, or get KOT down my throat, let me explain myself.

Just adjacent to Royal Tulip Canaan Hotel- Hurlingham is a place that serves the best Kenyan dishes. The wet/fry beef with managu is to kill your siblings over ( true story). It is like the cows were asked politely by the farmer if they were ready to be slaughtered and they gladly gave their consent. The ambiance of this place literally gives you an orgasm ( excuse my language). This is an elegant place that is meant to serve everyone. And they are open till late…

And get this, it’s called the gspot juice and parlor… true story.

                    

So how about you take your lover down memory lane… believe me apart from the name he or she will remember the delicacies.

Thank me later

Crazy mother VS Ethiopian flight attendant

 Airports I tell you.

I never thought my life was dun good till I finished a stressful project in Lusaka, ended a fling I had with a guy who …get this …doesn’t answer to anyone.

But screw that…where was I…yeah

Seated at the Addis Airport minding my own business after staring too hard at this god of a man who spoke French…and his gorgeous daughter…I overheard some weird sounds.

You’ve watched Nollywood movies. You know before they say abeg there is always this sound they make. The one that captures everyone's attention. You know it right? Now imagine that sound with a high pitched mom voice (the one my mom makes before she says…”munataka kuniua’)

Photo courtesy  of google.

This lady believe it or not was waving her 5-month-old son back and forth shouting and causing a commotion. Now the airport is more of a …let me find my terminal, sit and mind my MF business... sort of a place.

 So the more we ignored and went our merry way…the louder she got. 

I was thinking to myself tone it down a little. The poor Ethiopian attendant was having the worst day of his career. I could tell cause his vein was popping out and deep inside he was like shut the F up… (just deep down) cause you know ‘the customer is always right.'

Being the Kenyan that I am, I was trying to mind my own business but… the woman in me was like biach, please. Not today.

 I shut my laptop and gave my undivided attention to this woman. How she screamed and made meaningful complete sentences was beyond my comprehension. All I saw was the baby being moved back and forth and finally landing on grandma’s safe arms.

My thoughts were where are child services when you need one. But who am I kidding? If they never showed up during Hitler’s (aka my mom) brutal punishment, they never will show up here.

Anyways, I'll keep you posted on who won.

Man or attendant

Slept with a married man...now am ducked.

I knew I wanted you in me the first time I saw you. Not sure what it was that drew me closer to you.

Maybe the height or the fact… that you woke up and hugged me a bit tight…Or maybe the fact that I intentionally didn’t put on my spectacles so that you’d see me first and I’d get disappointed last.

The minute you said hello and pulled up the chair for me

Made my body yarn for you. I knew I wanted you but didn’t know why. The fact that I was a bit distracted didn’t bother you. You came prepared so just sat next to me and not across.  I could tell that you were looking at me and trying to make the moments last a little longer than they should have.

 

Image from Australian MensHealth

I said 5 minutes and I’d know.

Whether I liked you or not. But boy my blood was boiling and all I wanted was for…. 

You to go. (you know what I mean).💋

But you wanted us to watch a movie… I always do that alone or with the kids. That’s one of my safe heavens and you wanted to fuck it up. But something was a miss… a bit off. But I couldn’t stick to my NO… so you tagged along.

Am

Worried that reality will kick in… cause for now it’s just a fairytale I love. Knowing that you’ve had you’re every first with her… and you denying me mine. Makes me get upset cause I know am wrong. 

Sleeping with one that’s not and will not be mine.  Means, I need to let go and not turn back. I need to stop this yarning for you… cause I’ve had you but why isn’t that enough? 

Maybe it’s the fact that I know

That I’ll have to leave you and go back to being on my own.

And you'll have to go back to them...your own.

Image from Australian MensHealth

A list of Nairobi men I’ve slept with. Names/ nicknames/ birth marks and tattoos descriptions given.

Ladies thank me this is my late Valentine's gift to you and let's just say Christmas came early this year.

Well, this is quite embarrassing. I mean you had to click on the link to find nothing.

Please learn how to trust your spouse and read my blogs.

I keep them short and sweet. ( no afflictions to Sauti Soul)

A new life

So we wait on you

Knowing that you are a dude

Preparing so, cause we don’t have a clue

On what to do when you finally get here

What do we call you... boo?

Your coming was a surprise 

To mommy and am sure not dad

She tried doing her math

To ensure we knew when you’d come, lad

But she sucks at numbers

Am sure you won’t be like her... the others

Are you dark or light?

Am so curious to find out

Cause yours is a mixture

Of Luo and Luhya 

So hard to buy clothes that we wanna

Cause don’t know what works for you ...nada!

Don’t know what your name will be

Am sure funny cause they didn’t accept baby!

They better give you a good name

One that’s classy has to bring the A-game

Cause shosh is excited

About your arrival.... we are ignited

Will you be cheeky or your auntie’s favorite?

Will you cry for no reason just cause you can?

Cause I’ll understand it’s baby stuff ain’t it😉

But mom will be upset am sure...so it’s a plan👏

To show her how much you love her

Through screams and cries...that’s a scam

So we wait

We pray

We hope

That day

When you here

We will cheer

And spoil you anyway

My roller coaster

It’s the emptiness for me 

The fact that no one sees me

As I sit down and listen to the fuss

That everyone is making cause well, it’s us

We go with the crowd 

It’s the emptiness for me

So I protect my fragile heart 

From emotions that star up stuff and hurt

Inevitably of course.

The ups and downs nope…. I want to be free

It’s the emptiness for me

Can’t you tell that it’s a protective layer

So that when I don’t love you back

You’ll say she is a heartless player

Only protecting herself…✔✔✓✅check

It’s the emptiness for me

How void I am is how mysterious I get

How unrealistic my decisions and a smile on the face ...yet

A weird question’s answer is always late to get

Works for me it’s my prime 

It’s the emptiness for me

So I keep them guessing 

Is she human really, how cold can one person be

Works for me

every time…they are still fussing

It’s the emptiness for me

The fact that I can smile sun up

And cry my eyes out sundown

Then wake up fresh, write a shitty blurb 

Then back to being empty and down

My wedding vows:

There are a couple of things you need to know about me. A bit too late, now that we are at the altar.

 Treat this blog as the gospel truth.

I am a hopeless romantic… I believe in the whole damsel in distress and knight rescuing thing. I kid you not. I love when a guy opens the door or pulls a chair. I love movies… not Netflix and chill ( Nairobians have spoiled that phrase for me) just going for movies at theaters and sitting next to each other. I like watching movies alone especially during couples Wednesday. Am a bit strange… not quite sure you get my vibe right now?😂😂.

I love holding hands… of course, I’d kiss you in public if you know how to kiss but NEVER EVER ( should you try that shit on me- it’s one-sided).

Am opinionated on things that I don’t know a fuck about. And hey I love Baba… in the next life, I feel like Idah would not be in the picture if you catch my drift.

I am super shy and always insecure this needs constant reassurance every now and then. Am not talented. I have two Left feet but 

can’t 

stop

dancing. 

I have sweaty palms but love holding hands ( I only sweat when nervous or uncomfortable… so that’s another clue).

Dear future husband, Am a loner… I like meeting strangers and being at noisy awkward places cause that’s where my rogue writing juices flow. 

I like reading literature like Ngugi Wa Thiongo’s pieces and Chimamanda ( love her). I write when am upset and when the environment is a bit uncomfortable for me. So when I pull out my phone and start typing just know what am up to… another hint.

I love dancing to no music so be rest assured that I will ask you to dance with me in the middle of a conversation ( if you turn me down then that’s the end of us both).  Another clue.

Am not short. I have a Korean height. Am not fat am fluffy ( get it... Gabriel Iglesias) only meant for stand-up comedy lovers. 

I don’t like people oppressing others. I can’t stay away from fights that involve a lady being beaten up ( so you need to hit the gym… hahaha). I wish I could make everyone’s dream come true but I don’t know how to with what I’ve got. I’d love to be the best wife but I don’t like kids…  so that just happened😔.

Am super vulnerable and can cry (actually cry) at almost anything and everything. I have bruises and hurt that you cannot fix! so please don’t try to.

I love kisses on my forehead as it makes me feel secure. I love gazing at things. You might think that am in deep thoughts but no. I wish I could sing but for now, I have the voice that breaks glass and shutters eardrums. My apologies. 

I have a protective layer that once you penetrate I become super vulnerable and you can use me like a puppet. So please don’t. I have an overprotective family, (of ninjas… I wish). But a cute bunch of less than 20 between.

The rest I guess you’ll have to discover as we go. But I fear the dark and anything that moves. 

So my answer is yes. That’s if you still want to marry me?

Photos from Google.

It breaks my heart

Saw so many trucks 🚚 and wished you’d know am around… telepathically. So I sat down next to the window (strategically) so that you don’t miss me at all.

Closed my eyes and called out your name and counted from 10 backward. As I closed my eyes your face came to me. With that bright smile you always have and you kissed me on my forehead and said “surprise”. My eyes lit up as I smiled back and held your head to make sure that it wasn’t a dream 

But then I opened my eyes yours were missing.

Don’t know what’s more depressing, the fact that I called out to you hoping that the love  I have would make you realize that I need you; or the fact that everyone in the truck came in pairs as if Noah had shared a memo and I never got it. I kept hoping that the other travel partners would come in late (cause that would mean more time for you to come to your senses and address my plea. Or at least time for you to close your eyes and track my aura that was shouting with desperation.

The love I have for you made me wake up at night just to have a dance with you. The love that we share works in such a way that when our eyes lock in all we can do is not speak but speak at the same time. The feelings that ooze out when I sit next to you make me pray that you’d never get to know just how much it hurts that you are already with someone else. That bitch doesn’t know what she has and I can’t take you from her cause that will hurt her (as if I care).

So I’ll always hold 

My fort 

and have my fingers crossed and hope that you’ll realize that I am trying to reach out to you telepathically and all I want is for you to hold my hand and squeeze it and say “I know and I feel the same way”.

For now, I close my eyes and try again to count to 11 this time around.

Gentlemen do still exist in Kenya😱.

Sitting down writing this am still in utter shock. I mean am literally staring at him right now. He is not my guy of course ( if you’ve read my blogs I tend to date a certain type). And they ain’t gentle. Quite the opposite.

He is a bit off the first time you glance at him. Always in a cap at the corner and holding his lady so that the single vultures know that he is off the market. Or is the girlfriend the one always around him … a bit hard to tell come to think of it. He is dark. Average height ( just the way I like it) and he has a beard. Fuck where the heck has he been.

Anyways…,

During my recent rendezvous around this beautiful country, I had decided to usher in 2022 with strangers. I didn’t want any familiar faces around me. So I went for a truck party somewhere… in the middle of nowhere. The fact that civilization and electric power existed meant that this place was somewhere on the Kenyan map that I skipped during geography lessons. The place has the best roads to this and a Mountain that I still can’t recall the name of. Am honestly becoming a truck whore cause the minute I sat down my wifi connected.

It was so embarrassing that I pretended to ask for the wifi password 😔 I know. Don’t judge me. So in the middle of the sherehe this Kajama and his girlfriend and her girlfriend drink like crazy ( see what I did there… tried some kalocal language). 

Back to basics though. They were getting wasted cause it was a truck party to hiking ( organizers really🤔 drank hiking 😱we just got ripped off).

So the lady got all touchy marking her territory and all that cause the guy is kinda okay looking and he has a body that one would want to see naked in the morning…every morning come to think of it. 

She got so drunk she did what every Nairobi drunk person does (drumroll please… she chewed blackout ( just did it again… am on fire).

A couple of minutes into her nighty night nap she woke up.  I don’t know what got me… was it the sound that followed, the odor, or the guy seated right in front of me’s reaction. He shouted out 'who does that.' He jerked off his seat and almost sat on my lap. That’s when I realized that the party came through her mouth. Literally all of it. What happened next is the reason am writing.

As the faces of everyone changed in the truck and judgmental facial expressions became the better part of the day, that’s when I realized that the boyfriend stepped up. He rushed over like a knight and tried to help the damsel in distress. He moved the other bags using his muscular hands and grabbed a bag for his lady to finish withdrawing her prior deposits.

He grabbed the wipes (he knows what wipes are for) and cleaned her hands as he kept asking her whether she needed anything. Am not making any of this shit up. Gentlemen still exist in Kenya! 

He apologized to everyone who was affected and cleaned her mess like a boss. Once at the camping area he pitched their tent and took her out of the truck once the tent was erect and all the gears set up.

Now the rest of us were a bit confused. Questions were being thrown left right and center. We were like kwanza does this lady know what kind of a jamaa she has? Hope she holds him tight and treats him right cause we were more than happy to move in kama she chezas ( told you am on fire today).

Photo by JJ Jordan from Pexels

Signs that your lady is a lesbian 👇

Hello there! Am not sure why you decided to click on this link but am sure it's because the title got to you right?.

So am certain right about now you want bullets and hyphens of these points and not paragraphs. You want the signs to be bolded and italicized so that you skip the mambo jamboree of reading.

Well, I got you reading, haven’t I? Last year you ignored all the links I posted cause you pretended to have a life. Now you are on your own. If you want to know the signs just ask her hahaha.

And hey, I blog so just read am move one next time I actually post something.

I always make my materials short and sweet… with no affiliation to Sauti Soul of course.

Until next time…. Read!

Kenkom is the new meet up spot.

The pandemic has indeed reared its ugly head. 

I mean from lockdowns, curfews and now mandatory ( or is it not mandatory) vaccine uptake. The slaps that we have got from salary cuts, layoffs, mental health issues to break-ups and homicides have been top of the 7&9 pm news in the country.

I mean dating became a full-time gig with worrying thoughts of what would happen in case of infidelity or boredom. Walk out or just move into another relationship ( the Kanairo way) or cap them?///. All is not lost though as some entrepreneurs have actually heard our cries ( literally).

If you are not around Kenkom in the CBD on a weekend morning then you are not one of us. I mean no offense the number of trucks 🚚 that are docked every bloody morning should have the ministry of transport smiling all the way to the bank.While the ministry of tourism cash in the cheques every now and then. The cliques that are formed as chatters of the football matches and gossip on how one dude got dumped… engulf the air. What gets me is not the number of strangers that don’t know each other yet for the first few hours but the networking that goes on (Kanairo style) once in the trucks.

“It’s a truck party”… I was advised when I accidentally mentioned “camping trip” to sum up what actually goes on at Kenkom wee hours of the morning.

I’m losing my thought process again… I apologize. Now where were we… oh yes.

These entrepreneurs without knowing have made traveling to other countries and within Kenya a reality for the “hustlers” ( no political affiliation here😂). For as little as 1500 you can spend the whole day with friends or strangers and have a blast💥. All you need to do is know someone who knows someone (kama kawa).

In a span of two years, I’ve had the privilege to travel with around 4 different tour companies. (Not sure if they are registered through KRA chezeni chini!).

It started off as an innocent move cause I was having a writer’s blog ( am serious) and I had just been fired so there is that other

minute reason. I wanted to relax, meet strangers and try to be more social. Let’s just say I ended up being relaxed the rest…am still working on it…I think 🤔 💭).

The amount of work that goes into these parties being organized takes teams, time, and energy. You can tell from the organizers' faces as they try to have a headcount on the number of people in the truck after every pee stop. 

Always gets me when one shouts from the back that a wasted fellow has been left behind. If you are lucky and get your networking going on, you’ll end up meeting different characters. People who strike deals and those who just came to have fun (for my readers who don’t know,,, this means sex). The government should give these entrepreneurs a free supply of condoms for every event that they organize.

But it’s the culture for me. The fact that there are said and unsaid rules like ( what happens at Camp Dunda stays at Camp Dunda etc) or the fact that once in these trucks you completely stop being you and become the version of you…the one you’ve always wished you’d be. You could end up being a minister's relative, own a business and drive a Subaru (what's up with this car?)

If you are a Kenyan then you get what am trying to say. So I hope to bump into you soon as we have truck parties and not camp… at all.