The Disc Jockey

I fell in love. 

He was that guy you would never pay attention to. The one that you'd pass cause he oozes playboy and fuckboy all over. But then he looked at me and then dared me.

Okay jeez. I'll start from the top.

I have not blogged in quite some time cause I was out nursing wounds that have completely healed (...I think). I decided to take a semester off (well my HOD forced that down my throat) and camp or just travel a bit before the new year. And that's how I met him.

I am always into tall dark and handsome. You know typical Mr. right. I have some things on my list (scroll) that one has to check off and that explains why I've been single for two years now. But he didn't check anything off. He was not on the list and yet he dared me to kiss him in public just for the heck of it.

His love for music makes me jealous as he handles his disc jockey equipment with so much passion and desire that I get furious over the amount of time he touches and turns the buttons. I hate the fact that every lady whispers in his ears so that they get the next song request in.

And man I hate the fact that his "my DJ" to every Rachel, Ruth, and Rapunzel (... see what I did there☺😆😆😆).

Anyone who knows me knows I don't like being challenged cause am the biggest chicken in town. But my brain stopped functioning and I proceeded and kissed him. That's when I knew I had fucked up big time. Cause now at the back of my head, I've picked up our wedding date and named our 11 kids after his favorite artists.

Don't know what's worse the fact that I fell so hard or the fact that he makes me so vulnerable I fight my tears every time he says "you look like a child whose been mistreated all her life".

He gets me but am sure he will hurt me.

NB:  Photo by Odin Reyna from Pexels

Are you on tinder? So am I🙀.

Before you start judging, hear me out for a second. I would have never thought that yours truly would end up looking for a guy on a dating app. The mere thought of this brought chills down my back. I mean I should have thousands, hundreds , tens (okay ☹️maybe five max) guys lied up professing their love for me.

Truth be told I have not had much luck as far as the opposite sex is concerned. Believe me I’ve tried but I guess the issue is just that I still don’t know my type.., and this kills me. So I said what the heck... you die once and I want to experience as much in this world as I can. 

PS: don’t share this article with my mama😡. I mean it. Don’t even dare🥺 please.

So where was I.. oh yeah Tinder. 

Whoever or whomever has not tried this dating app or any other dating app should do so. I mean if you have candy crush then you might as well clear up your phone of some unwanted apps and download Tinder. Am serious. 😡

Imagine a place where available men are paraded just for you. Different physic, skin tone and some are generous enough to let you know what they are looking for in a woman( bless tinder’s soul 🙏).The thing I like most about this app is the simple left and right swipe that changes everything. Have you ever tried to say no to a guy face to face but you couldn’t cause you didn’t want to appear in humane? Well tinder’s gotcha!  See what you like swipe right and send a text that helps you break the ice so to speak. If you don’t like his face or nose, don’t worry. All you have to do is swipe left and it’s bye bye Mr. Forehead....(😉).

Don’t get me started on the security of this app. I mean all you have to do is keep the conversation on the app until both of you feel like it’s time to take the big step and finally get married... excuse me I mean meet face to face.

I need to stop rushing things😞.

Why did I result to apps and not old school bumping into someone on the street or a guy approaching me and asking for my number? Well, the old school methods don’t seem to work for me. I mean they work in the Korean movies I watch but real life nah!

I have had a couple of face to face dates but didn’t result into the 3 month dating, 3 month engagement and 6 month wedding preparation as planned. (I know I need to get a 🐈 or a atleast a hobby).

So next time you want to get a guy to text you longer than the average guy does...download a dating app. 

If you like seeing before meeting and knowing what’s in the market... download a bloody dating app.

You’ll thank me later👍

Molested at a Massage Parlor...I think🤔

It all started well. Don’t get me wrong. I knew what I wanted when I saw the package and the different offers. I wanted the whole shabang! One of the reasons I chose the whole pack was because it was the one that lasts the longest. 1.5 hrs can you believe that.

I mean if am going to use a Zawadi pack I’ll use it to the fullest.

Perhaps a few steps back so that you know how I landed a 100$ Zawadi voucher.

I recently was let go of a position I held for 4.8years. Their loss right? I gave my all and they waited for rona to get rid of my natural black bum. Anywho, water under the bridge. One of the parting gifts was the Zawadi pack. The pack has a long-range of different things that one can opt for. From Rhumba, yoga training, Ziplining, salon, massage parlor, etc. that’s how I ended up resorting to being touched instead.

I had heard rumors of how prepared one needed to be and being sure of what was expected. I had no clue and decide to shower and take an Uber all the way to the designated place. The sky was blue, my moods were right. I knew I was going to get massaged no matter the plight. ( see what I just did there😉).

First I’m an open-minded person. Nobody agrees with that but what the kite... they don’t know me. When the sweet mid-forties lady excused herself so that I could strip and get under the cover, I was so excited about the level of respect that she showed. I did as she instructed no questions asked. I mean she knew what she was doing.

She opted for the facial first followed by the massage. I just nodded and went along with her merry plan of getting me relaxed and RELAXED.

Once she went for the full body massage the ambiance of the room turned south real quick. The shoulder rub made me drool 🤤 a bit cause my neck started getting straightened. The leg muscles started going back to their original places where the maker had intended them to be. And I was grateful to this lady with whom I only had a first-name basis relation.

When her hands started going up my legs and the sheets started being moved weirdly, that was when I got confused. How did our relationship move so far so fast? I got puzzled. Her touch stopped being respectful and started being “Professional”.

My inner voice was like “leave”. Just get up and go. But the 100$ Zawadi package kept flushing on my face saying ...bitch you better man up! I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that I felt uncomfortable but never said anything or the mere fact that I might have been molested at a massage parlor...I think.

Pierce what you want

Today I had a rude awakening. More of a shock really. Astonishing conversations that I would wish to erase or not have heard at all. It all started with a WhatsApp status on my phone. Let's just say I was bored to death and had to see what was on everybody's status.

I have come to learn that this is the only way I keep tabs on my family. Don't get me wrong someone's status can let you know what they are going through. Even their moods. Every time I want money from any of the Otayes' I just check their status. If I read anything along the lines of ...just because am down doesn't mean am beaten,,,, or,,,, Don't mistake my quietness for naiveness. I don't poke that bull. I let it rest for a couple of days and then as they say...if at first you don't succeed... blah bhah. I give it another shot and if the coast is clear I beg for cash. I mean I kiss ass.

Anyways, back to my writing. Am sorry I tend to derail a lot of late. So a tattoo artist buddy of mine had a guy who had pierced his tongue on his profile. At first, I was 100% sure it was a lady but after having a  second glance,,,, it wasn't. so I decided to ask the kids at the shop if this was now a trendy fashion or this guy had other ulterior motives for piercing his tongue.

                                                           Photo: Askideas.com

"Lizzie we don't know what you'll do without us," they said. "You are always far behind with the latest stuff," they concluded. Apparently, I should not bother my little brain with piercings. It's a trend that has reached the level of pierce what you want.

The tongue is the least of the places men pierce anymore. They have their belly buttons, nipples, balls, and even penis. Yes, I said it Penis.

I have been left with more questions than answers from how painful and why do it at all.

Why?

Sorry but I cant write more on this...I have so many unanswered questions. 

Am not cheap... just on a budget

My favorite spot to shop at is the famous Toi Market in Kibera, Nairobi county. I mean if you thought second-hand merchandise was cheap, shop here and you'll know cheap is the new slang for dear taste in Kibera. I like dressing up in the latest fashion and of course popular brands that can't be pronounced. The problem isn't pronunciation but the mare fact that the tags on the clothes are usually hard to comprehend.

I am writing ...scratch that...blogging this because my family has gone ahead and accused me of being cheap. Me! The nerve. Am not cheap...just on a budget.

😒So, I have decided to set the record straight and expound on my wardrobe choice. Below are the reasons why Toi is my best option. Well, the only option come to think of it;

• Walking distance from my house
• They have varieties to choose from
• The sales persons are so charming and cute
• Best deals all through the year ( buy five dresses and get one free..am like where else do you get such a deal and it's not black November yet)
• Rich people shop there (I've seen the cars being packed at Adams Arcade...but we all know where they are at)
• Copy-paste is not an option (unique dresses)
• Economical... what can I say, the products are keenly-priced

That's it next time you need a killer outfit that no one else has, you know where to go.

Complete strangers

 Complete strangers

It had to be done and I had to get over it. The fear of being amongst complete strangers. So I saw an advertisement on one of my friend’s status and I was like Wtf... we doing this.

Am a renowned sadist so I had calculated and recalculated how this trip was going to suck. Ask my pals, I told them how bored I was going to be a week before the trip and a couple of hours after being added on the WhatsApp group. I mean I have a way I do things( stuck up as hell) and I have this thing that makes me the life of the party...(attention seeker). In my defense the same pals will tell you this is the truth. 

I just want to be noticed when I walk into a room or even when I leave the room. I want people to ask and people to want to say hello to me. At the back of my head this always happens. So I went to a trip with complete strangers who didn’t know me and guess what? I wanted them to read Lizzie 2.0 to be kept abreast with what works and doesn’t work for me. ( attention seeker...already warned you about this 😉).

But for a pessimist I tried to see the good side of the trip...who am I kidding I’ll be as bored as fuck.

Wooh camping here we go😔